There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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