its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
