WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
