Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
