Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
