the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
