I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
