My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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