I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
