how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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