I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
