Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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