Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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