The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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