I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
