Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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