Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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