I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
