I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
