That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
