the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
