I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
