Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
