that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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