Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
