At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
