grandma shit on top of the toilet
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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