cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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they're like a gay fantastic four
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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