Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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