the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
