a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
