Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think I just sharted jello shots
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
