i just had sex bonerless
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it glows. i had to have it.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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