someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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