i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
