i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just pee around me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
