He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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