Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
did you just send me my own nude
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
