I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
