How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
