I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The power of my boobs compel you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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