I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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