My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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