When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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