Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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