how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
