Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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