I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
