I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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