I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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