I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
