Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
