Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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