My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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