i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
