youre lurking in front of me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Randomize
