I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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