I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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