Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
