Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
