some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
