Rock
Scissors
Fuck
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
