I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
